DM Haight

The Hobbits have a great affinity for food. With our recent foray into foodography here at KineCritical it seems only fitting that we begin a column here, perhaps once a week, where we open our ovens, fill our plates, and tuck in for a Feast of Film. And why not start with a series that has become just as popular for its quotable lines of passing or not passing, or simply or not simply doing things? For this inaugural installment of what will hopefully become a means to putting food in front of film lovers everywhere, we decide to consume a meal worthy of Peter Jackson’s adaptation of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings.

Here at KineCritical we like to think we can encourage a change. So we decided to be Hobbits/Elves/Dwarves for a day, and we made a delicious meal that any Orc would be happy to pillage, and any wizard would gladly arrive promptly for. We took the ideas the Hobbits had with their stews strewn throughout the entire series, and combined them with what we think Dwarves would seriously consider a staple of a culture of food. So we found a nice roast of beef, and we slow cooked it with some carrots, mushrooms, garlic, a big yellow onion, combined into one pot with red wine to deglaze, and beef stock to really get all that beefy goodness. Here’s the recipe we devised:


8oz button mushrooms (chopped)

8oz carrots (chopped)

1 large vidalia onion (chopped)

6 cloves garlic (crushed)

1 3lb chuck roast

3 cups beef stock

2 cups red wine (shiraz)

1 tbs rosemary

Kosher salt

Black pepper

2 tbs olive oil

Season the roast liberally with the kosher salt and black pepper. Sear it in a dutch oven or some other oven-safe, heavy pot. Once browned on all sides toss in onions, carrots, mushrooms, and garlic, and sauté for for 5 minutes.

Once veggies are beginning to brown pour in red wine. Cook out the alcohol (about 5 min), and finish with covering the roast in beef stock. Toss in the rosemary and stir well. Cover the pot and throw it in the oven at 325 for 4 hours.

So while the roast was going, we mad up some potatoes and mushrooms. We sautéed the mushrooms in olive oil until tender and brown, seasoning them with fine grain sea salt and cracked black pepper, then they were deglazed in marsala wine, giving them a much sweeter flavor. Then we chopped up and boiled a ton of potatoes (5lbs) until they were fork tender. We drained them and put some butter in with them, along with some milk, sea salt, cracked black pepper once more, and finally some grated Parmesan cheese. The potatoes came out silky smooth, and made a fantastic addition to the meal.We only hope that Samwise would have given us his seal of approval. He likes his potatoes, as evidenced in the series through their uses in stews. He affectionately calls them “Taters” and revels in the anguish his  root veggie causes one particularly skinny fellow who’s never had a good hair day.

So by this point we hope you’re about halfway through Return of the King and ready to eat. The roast should have you drooling by smell alone. Now you need to make a plate worthy of the adoration of Elves, Dwarves, Wizards, and Man. Lay down a bed of Sam’s taters, slap a huge slab or roast on top, and heap on some mushrooms, and ladle on some gravy. You should have something like this…



So it’s kind of pretty…(at least we think so). And that food is damn tasty. DAMN tasty. Now, as you cook you have to look to the person next to you and say: A day will come when frozen pizza and over-cooked mac and cheese will reign the night of movies, but it is not this day. A day will come when bagel bites fail and your Coke will become flat but it is not this day. THIS DAY WE COOK!

Friends, we leave you with full bellies, and hopefully a satiated appetite of nerdy-goodness. And for next time, remember to keep eating, and keep watching. This is Foodflix.

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